Arguments are pointless, and this article will explain why. However, if you happen to find yourself entering or in the midst of a heated argument, especially with someone you care about, here are the 8 things you need to remember, to protect your relationship with that person and your inner peace.
Your Emotional Response
Be aware of your emotional response. Where is it coming from? What deep sitting pain or concern is this argument bringing up? Why does this topic matter to you so much that it makes you emotional? This will help you understand that the cause of you feeling agitated is not the person you are arguing with, it is something you need to address within yourself. Does this topic bring about fear, insecurity, hurt, or regret? Then you are being gifted an opportunity to heal something that needs healing. It finally got your attention.
Observe, do not express
Once you have an idea of where your emotions are coming from, practice observing them rather than reacting to them. Do not let these emotions control you and be expressed onto your opponent. If it is anger that you feel, notice it, but do not fill the words you say with anger. You can even tell the person that this makes you feel angry and you don’t want to be that. Observe what you feel as a third person and speak from the place of neutrality. Separate from your emotions. Your physical body may be experiencing them, your spiritual body is always above it all. Get to that place. You will see how this will instantly change the conversation.
Address your assumptions
What assumptions are you reacting to? What are you assuming about the person’s behavior, opinion, or attitude to you. Clarify with them if that is really where they are coming from, because most often it is not! Ask questions like “are you saying it because of this?”, “do you trust me?”, “are you angry at me?”, “am I understanding it correctly that you think or feel like…” Our mind always quickly fills in missing pieces of information, trying to make sense of the whole story. Very often these rapidly made assumptions are so far from the truth. Especially during a heated argument our mind is forming so many assumptions, guided by our emotions. Do not allow these assumptions block your mutual understanding and leaving no way out of the argument. Keep your mind open, and make effort to understand where the person is coming from.
Do not get defensive
Assumptions can put you into a defensive mode. If you create a story in which the person is attacking or blaming you, you start seeing them as a threat. This will also block a productive dialogue and possibility for you to understand each other. When you get defensive you close up, you become unpleasant to talk to, and the person feels you seeing them as a threat. In order to dissolve an argument both sides need to be open to a solution and each other.
Accept people misunderstanding you
This is such an important skill that took me years to learn. You cannot stop people from misjudging, misunderstanding, mistrusting, blaming you for no reason and missing the point. Their perception of you and your actions is not your problem or responsibility. And yes, even the ones you love deeply. Arguments often go on and on when we cannot accept that another person fails to understand our point of view. It is okay.
Why arguing is pointless?
We argue when we try to change people into thinking and being just like us. Release the urge to be right. It is okay to not find common ground. Your relationship can overcome this! We are all different, we see the world and every situation differently. Sometimes we are simply unable to understand where someone we love is coming from. Then all we can do is love them, trust them that they mean well, and simply let go of that disagreement. You can have opposing opinions, but your love and appreciation of each other should be valued so much more. Sometimes people just speak a different language with regards to a situation, especially when it brings up some emotions and feelings within them. Then all we can do is note and accept our differences and choose love language instead.
Speak out of love
Even in the midst of all the emotions, the most powerful thing you can do is return to the place of love. Start seeing this argument and speaking out of love, calmness, connection, sincerity, vulnerability, openness, confidence. Step back into your power by remembering that you are love. From love standpoint how much does this thing you argue about really matter? How much more does it matter than your relationship with the person? Is it worth damaging your connection with them? Remember being love. Ask yourself what would love say in this situation, what would love response and attitude be? That is your attitude.
Do not fear the outcome of an argument
Do not try to reach a certain outcome so fiercely and aggressively that you push the person away. Allow it to flow. When you acknowledge your emotions, remain neutral, approach the situation from the place of love and connection, see your opponent as not an enemy but someone who just thinks differently, make an effort to hear them out and understand their perspective, this will show so much in your energy. Another person will pick up on that. And if it is someone you love, the moment you start coming out of love, no argument can throw you apart. If it is someone you have a true powerful connection with you can overcome any misunderstanding and opposing views. Just give each other space to be different, and bridge that gap with love, trust, and compassion.
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Photo: Engin Akyurt via Unsplash
